Hope for Spring

(Image Credit)

Saturday I was determined to get outside, I believe the temperature reached 60 degrees! In February! In Pittsburgh! So we hung out in a quaint little town, had nap time, then went back out to the playground. And my heart was happy. 

The weather this past weekend fooled me in to thinking it was spring. Come Monday the snow was falling once again. At times it was dreary and overcast but the sun showed itself too. 

My struggle with depression was kind of like that. After Maxson was born I had dark and dreary times, spring would peak it's head around the corner and things would start looking sunny. The next morning I would wake and the snow had come to visit again. When I finally felt like Spring would never completely return, I didn't give up! I pressed into God and sought out some help. 

For years I always struggled most in the winter. The apathy would set in and I would tread water just trying to survive until Spring or Summer. After a bit of counseling I was set, on my way to healing and despite my father's passing, last Spring was hopeful for me. 

This winter has been better than winter's past. I have tried to learn how to thrive through it, instead of just survive. There were moments of thriving, and other moments of surviving. "Will the bitter cold ever end???" But over all, I have been more stable, sound and engaged in life than any other winter before. 

I see the hope that is Spring! She 's peeked her darling little head around the corner. She is anxious to show up. And the winter that has settled in my bones, it's slowly shuffling its way out. Each ray of sun on my face, each note from the birds outside my window and each ounce of light that strays later and later into the evening, pushes that darn cold wintery blue right out of my soul. 

Hope springs up! And I am glad for the process. 

Blessings to you!

~Spring is right around the corner, I am hopeful!~

Five Minute Friday {On a Sunday}

So small is the sun as we look up with hopeful eyes. yet it's vastness is mind boggling

So small the little minds and hands and hearts that learn and tug and seek. Their grandness could make us weep.

So small the stars that light the night sky, we want to pull them down and keep them in our pocket. 

Sometimes small is large and it makes us grin ear to ear!

Sometimes small is large and it calms our hearts.

Sometimes small is grand and we fight back tears. 

The way he touches the small of my back or gives me that knowing grin.

The way my first born still settles in next to me, after all these years.

The way my baby squeals with joy at my sight.

All seemingly small ways with grand impact. 

So at the end of the day we offer up our praise in small voices. And the grandness of God brings us to our knees. 

I am linking up with the most terrific Lisa Jo Baker for her Five Minute Friday challenge, where she encourages us to write out our hearts for 5 minutes just because we love to write. No editing, no thinking too much, just writing. You can check out what it's all about here!

Let's Talk About Beauty

The word, the concept, idea of beauty is one that is near and dear to my heart. I have struggled for such a long time with my self image, not even necessarily my body image (that came after the second baby) but just never thinking I was pretty enough. Let's hash out some reasons why, shall we? 

Most of my physical characteristics were not the same as the more popular girls (and why did I want to be popular anyway?), my personal characteristics were very different as well and no one ever really embraced me for who I was; except maybe the one girl who remains my BFF, that's best friend forever if your weren't sure ;) The other girls were flirty, with blonde or brown hair and tan skin. They wore the right make up and the right clothes and watched MTV. Some got away with wearing short shorts and most had the low cut or mid drift bearing tee down. I was pretty much the opposite of these things. I was the awkward, quiet, red head with fair skin and modest clothes. I could go on and on about the damage elementary and middle caused me but I'll save that for another time. Maybe over coffee? 

And so, each insult, off the wall question and just plain old middle school stupidity effected my self image of beauty. The negative voices have always been louder then the uplifting ones. 

I am sure some of you have similar stories, even you blondes out there ;) (its joke, its joke) 

And so I have been on this journey (one of many) to find my true beauty. It is a journey that is always shifting and changing and growing me as a person. 

More recently I have been able to pin point some things that have made me feel "not pretty enough" 

Beside the worlds definition of beauty bombarding me at every turn, I have realized that I am mostly attracted to dark haired people. (I am using the word attracted to describe what kind of beauty catches my eye) I tend to love the colors that look best on people with darker hair and eyes. Orange, purple… well heck, dark haired people look good in just about any color. While browsing Pinterest most of the make up looks I am attracted to just look better on women with darker hair, eyes and complexions. Noticing these things made me see that my self image was lower because I felt that to be beautiful I should look like these women, dark hair, eyes and skin tone. My thought process was that, if I thought these women were the most beautiful, then everyone else MUST feel the same way. 

So I tried to cover up my read hair with blonde highlights or dark brown low lights (I was never brave enough to go full out blond or brown). I tried tanning and self tanners and hated every second of it. 

And the battle waged on. There has always been this inner battle of what I want to do and look like and what I am capable of looking like. 

I could never justify spending loads of money on name brand expensive clothing, bags, shoes, accessories. I never truly wanted to get rid of my red hair. I dabbled with comprising my modest rules. I still wish I could be tan! (but let's not go there today, okay?) 

And all the while God is looking down on me yearning for me to embrace the way he made me, yearning for me to see me like he sees me. His beautiful daughter that he created and formed and thought about before the earth was even formed. My heavenly daddy was thinking of me long before I was a thought to be conceived!!! 

God created me with red hair and he called it good! 

He created me with fair skin and calls it good!

He gave me a quiet disposition and called it good!

God, he knit me together in my mothers womb, knows the number of the hairs on my head and my inmost being and He calls me beautiful! 

Precious daughters! God has done the same for you. He knows every part of you, sweet ones, and he calls you good, beautiful, precious! 

And God's voice should be the loudest one we hear. Let us push away all the noise and confusion. Ask God how he sees you… I have been to afraid to ask but it's about time I let my daddy hold me. God's voice is louder then voices past, sisters He is louder then your own voice. Let us rest sweetly in the knowledge that God created us unique and beautiful, in His image and likeness, to be a vessel for his love. And let us pour that out onto others. 

Sister, You are good enough, you are pretty enough, you are beautiful! Leave here with that tonight. 

Praise Jesus!