Disassociation From The Egg

I can't even...

I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling, over the television and my toddler.

"I just feel... I don't know? Like, disassociated from Easter this year"

The conversation didn't get too far, as most don't these days, unless the wild thing is fast asleep all tucked in tight. 

So I stuffed it back down, still searching for meaning. 

I have known Jesus all my life. I know what he did for me and for you... So why do I feel so disconnected from ths Good Friday and Easter that is to come? 

Then I saw this on Instagram. (Sometimes social media is a good thing) 

 

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That's right. Sunday is coming. And... HE GOT UP!

That's right. HE GOT UP! 

And the hope rises in my heart.

I process it all alone in the car on the way to fellowship with some women from Church.

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These lyrics come on the cd that plays in my car. 

Maybe it was the weight of it all. That Jesus suffered and died on the cross. He was beaten and mocked and hung to take my sin and conquer death. The weight, that I still, just can't completely wrap my brain around. That a Savior, a King, could LOVE me that much! 

Maybe it was the commercialism of it all. The fake and phony things that remain to distract. The convoluted meanings and traditions that ultimately take away from such a sacred, life changing history. 

Now, don't get all hip hop hooray oh, up in here. I'm not knocking on the Easter egg hunts. I too will be taking my wild thing to experience that in all it's glory.

But I need to be real here. 

We have a funny way of taking something in Christ's life and twisting it to meet our own standard. 

So maybe I feel disconnected from what we call Easter, the eggs and bunnies and commercialism. 

But this year, today, I am okay with that. 

Because I don't feel disconnected from my Savior Jesus. 

Today we wait. We think the tomb holds his body. We wait just as his disciples did, men and women alike. We wait because tomorrow He gets up. He is resurrected for me and for you. He conquers hell, sin and death so that we can live our eternity with Him. In all of His glory! 

And I am thankful, always thankful for His sacrifice and power! 

Jesus paid it all. All to him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain and He washed it white as snow. 'Jesus paid it all' -Elvina M. Hall, 1865 

Learning to Be a Boy Mom

I had decided to take a nap while the little one napped, so when my oldest came through the door after school I was still asleep in my bed. I heard Max's little voice call out to his bubby and they not so quietly crept through my door. Both hopped into my bed and the the 13 year old said "Wanna go to the park Max?" I groaned in response, "Ok, you said the word so you have to take him"…  I didn't mean it.

After a little coaxing I rolled out of my bed and we proceeded to the park.

I tend to be a selfish person. If I had had my choice I would have snuggled up in my bed with the 3 year old during his post nap sleepiness and we would have laid there just a little while longer. But I knew it was a gorgeous day out and we had been cooped up in this dark house all the live long winter days.

I left the piled up for days dishes in the sink and calculated how long I could put off making dinner so that I could just 'be' at the park with my boys. We trekked down the block and made our way to the little blessing of a playground and creek so close by.

I watched from my seated position. He searched for the biggest three rocks he could find and threw them as hard as he could into the creek. I called out to him, "Great job, buddy!" He turned with the biggest smile not knowing that I was watching him.

I swallowed my selfishness and tossed the frisbee back and forth with Q. I just keep noticing all the little ways my teen boy is becoming a man. He makes fun of the way I throw a frisbee but he still asks me to play.

As we left the park to return home, my heart was full.

I tried to stuff down all the past memories that filled me with guilt. You see, I wasn't always this kind of mom and if I am honest, most days I am still not. For one I am not really an outside person. When I was younger and raising my older son, my dad was the goto for outside playtime. I was good for coloring and drawing and playing inside, but outside? No,  I wasn't a big fan of outside. Some where along the way I think I realized that I couldn't always just rely on my dad. So as Max neared the age where I knew I would start hearing "Let's go outside mommy!" I decided it was time to buck up soldier! I made an unspoken promise to myself and maybe even to my dad that I would get outside more. Boys love to go outside and dig in dirt, skip rocks and splash in puddles, so it was about time I accepted that I was and will forever be a boy mom.

Learning to be a good enough mom on top of being a boy mom has been quite the journey for me. It has pushed me farther than I could ever imagine. And it has fulfilled me in ways I would never imagine.

Now I am here. Parenting a 13 year old and a 3 year old boy and some days, well, most days I really have no idea what I am doing. But I can say I am learning to love being a boy mom.

I sit back sometimes and just watch the two of them and my hearts swells so much it feels like it just might burst right out of my chest. I have heard it said that you are exactly the kind of parent your kid needs, that is why God chose you and it is about time I start owning up to that.

***I write my story to process and try to work out this life. I don't have all the answers and don't always get it right. But I am learning how to live in confidence, give grace freely and love more deeply.***

Daily Meanderings, Comings and Goings...

My mind goes about a mile a minute typically. I am quiet in the process though, sometimes confiding in one or the other but always with a trusted One. So I sit down to write it out and my mind, it just goes blank. I actually think that it is a form of stage fright. Every body else in blog land is better then I. They all have something to offer. A handmade business, printable, recipes, DIY's etc. etc. I act like I want 10,000 readers but the thought of THAt actually scares the crap out of me. Heck, having only one reader scares me. Why? Because I am insecure when it comes to writing.

I have grown significantly over the last two years. I have become more confident in many areas of life, marriage, parenting, socially, spiritually, professionally… but this writing thing, not so much. I don't struggle so much with confidence in my real everyday life anymore. But this online life I pretend to build. Yep, I struggle in the confidence department here.

So, as I was processing through this trickle of insecurity I asked myself, 'If I don't have recipes, DIY's, handmade craftings, etc. to offer this online world, what do I have to offer?' And the only thing that settled in my heart was Honesty. For the most part, I don't know how to be anything but honest. Sure, I am human, I bend the lines here and there, exaggerate a little or downplay often, try to get out of stuff without being 100% truthful. It happens to the best of us. But in my heart of hearts, I am pretty honest.

There is this line though. It is the Internet after all. Being honest means exposing myself, and thats opening a big can of insecurity there. Exposing myself to the global world! What? Why would anyone want to do that. Honestly, from where I sit right now, I don't know why people come here to expose themselves. But I do know when people are brave, brave enough to tell their stories, others are encouraged, built up and made hopeful. Reading others stories, lifted me out my depression after Max was born. And that is really why I write. To encourage, build and give hope.

But I get all squirmy because I don't have thousands of followers, or a blogging conference or products to sell you. Every time I come here to write something tells me that I have to have those things. Only the cool kids have blogs with thousands of followers, tutorials, grand ideas and giveaways. That is what keeps me from coming to this space. Insecurity. I am not a cool kid.

But why does that mean I can't come here and write my heart out? Why does that mean my blog isn't important?

It doesn't. And I know that.

Now, I just need to believe it.

So when you come here, you probably won't find an ground breaking DIY or the tastiest recipe. But you will find my heart, my real, honest, grace seeking heart.

I apologize for being gone so long… It's April already, did you know that? I am back now. And I hope to get a little more serious about this here space. Not too serious though ;)

Blessings to you!