Learning to Be a Boy Mom

I had decided to take a nap while the little one napped, so when my oldest came through the door after school I was still asleep in my bed. I heard Max's little voice call out to his bubby and they not so quietly crept through my door. Both hopped into my bed and the the 13 year old said "Wanna go to the park Max?" I groaned in response, "Ok, you said the word so you have to take him"…  I didn't mean it.

After a little coaxing I rolled out of my bed and we proceeded to the park.

I tend to be a selfish person. If I had had my choice I would have snuggled up in my bed with the 3 year old during his post nap sleepiness and we would have laid there just a little while longer. But I knew it was a gorgeous day out and we had been cooped up in this dark house all the live long winter days.

I left the piled up for days dishes in the sink and calculated how long I could put off making dinner so that I could just 'be' at the park with my boys. We trekked down the block and made our way to the little blessing of a playground and creek so close by.

I watched from my seated position. He searched for the biggest three rocks he could find and threw them as hard as he could into the creek. I called out to him, "Great job, buddy!" He turned with the biggest smile not knowing that I was watching him.

I swallowed my selfishness and tossed the frisbee back and forth with Q. I just keep noticing all the little ways my teen boy is becoming a man. He makes fun of the way I throw a frisbee but he still asks me to play.

As we left the park to return home, my heart was full.

I tried to stuff down all the past memories that filled me with guilt. You see, I wasn't always this kind of mom and if I am honest, most days I am still not. For one I am not really an outside person. When I was younger and raising my older son, my dad was the goto for outside playtime. I was good for coloring and drawing and playing inside, but outside? No,  I wasn't a big fan of outside. Some where along the way I think I realized that I couldn't always just rely on my dad. So as Max neared the age where I knew I would start hearing "Let's go outside mommy!" I decided it was time to buck up soldier! I made an unspoken promise to myself and maybe even to my dad that I would get outside more. Boys love to go outside and dig in dirt, skip rocks and splash in puddles, so it was about time I accepted that I was and will forever be a boy mom.

Learning to be a good enough mom on top of being a boy mom has been quite the journey for me. It has pushed me farther than I could ever imagine. And it has fulfilled me in ways I would never imagine.

Now I am here. Parenting a 13 year old and a 3 year old boy and some days, well, most days I really have no idea what I am doing. But I can say I am learning to love being a boy mom.

I sit back sometimes and just watch the two of them and my hearts swells so much it feels like it just might burst right out of my chest. I have heard it said that you are exactly the kind of parent your kid needs, that is why God chose you and it is about time I start owning up to that.

***I write my story to process and try to work out this life. I don't have all the answers and don't always get it right. But I am learning how to live in confidence, give grace freely and love more deeply.***