That long stretch

I picked a really bad time to start blogging again. I thought to myself a brand new year, why not a brand new blog space? 

I started off January with some momentum only to teeter off so quickly. We have entered that long stretch of months when it is mostly cold, gray and dark. That period of time when you are just sick and tired of being sick and tired.This winter is becoming brutal and relentless with negative temperatures and snow snow snow. And so once again I am beginning to feel stuck.

I thought it might be different this winter. I thought it might be different than winter's past because I am healthier now. My mind seems to be in the right place most of the time. I have made some new friends and I feel at home in my church. But I guess there are still a few things that pull at me and try to steal my attention away from the blessed life I have truly been given. (But this, is a whole other post altogether). Things I do not necessarily want to deal with. Some, things I can not really change.

So I write this to say, I don't want this to be a negative space. I don't want to be all Negative Nelly on you. Yet sometimes I need to write it all out, the good, the bad and the ugly. Truth be told, life isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Even as a Christian woman and a good enough mom, I don't always wear a smile across my face. 

And you know what? That is okay. It's okay because I still hold true to what I know. And I know God's got my back. He always has, always does, and always will. 

When the cold winter months have got me low, singing the blues, I know who holds me in his hand. I know He will hold me and carry me through this season. He loves me. No matter what my feelings are that day, He loves me. 

 And maybe that's what the Joy of The Lord really is. Maybe it is not, keeping that smile on your face. Maybe it is the faith that His love will see you through no matter your circumstance. Maybe the Joy of The Lord is your confidence in the hope that is Christ. Maybe it is not pretending perfection and happiness at all times but it is knowing the One who holds you in His hands. Maybe its about your deep down inner most most parts rejoicing in Christ Jesus even when your circumstances aren't what you would like.

Ps 35:9 And my soul shall be joyful in the Lord: it shall rejoice in His salvation.

And... just like that Jesus reveals an answer to a question I have been asking for months, just like that. That right there is why I need to write. 

I am looking forward to Spring (even if my baby is turning 3!) but in the meantime I will abide in Him. 

Blessings from 

~a good enough mom

Seek Out Laughter

I love a good prompt and I love running with an inspiring one even better. The question was asked, (by the mom diggity on IG) "What is God showing you through your littles this week?" So I stopped and thought about my little little. 

This guy seeks laughter constantly. He absolutely loves to laugh! If you say a word that initially cracks him up, he asks you to keep repeating it. There are particular things he asks his big brother  to do because it will crack him up! "Bubby will you do (insert foreign noise of sorts here)?" (Yes he calls his brother bubby) 

And I love it! His laugh is contagious, infectious in the best way. Sometimes he laughs for no reason at all except the fact that he loves to laugh. 

So I would say my little is teaching me to stop taking life so seriously, seek out laughter when there is none to be found. Laughter, it does a body good. 

These are the moments I want to record. The ones full of love and grace overflowing. The moments that make my heart sing a happy song. 

What did you learn from the little people in your life this week?

Unqualified

I am mom to a beautiful 13 year old boy and his equally beautiful 2 year old brother. When I say this next sentence out loud it just sounds crazy... incredibly unbelievable... a miracle! "I have been a mom for 13 years!" Really! I can't believe it. And!... I decided to have another one! 

One might think that if I made it this far I might have great parenting advice. One might even try to come to me for said advice. It might seem as though I know exactly what I am doing or that I have it all together. (If you really know me you are smirking right now) I mean after all I have kept two children alive and you could even say they are thriving. 

But I have to say, I do not at all have it together. I have shed many a tear over my inadequacies as a parent. I am unqualified to give you parenting advice. 

The fact that my son is a teenager, scares me. I thought I "would totally be ready" for this when the time came. I am not. And I have been dragged kicking and screaming along the way since his eighth birthday.

I am about to embark on potty training with my 2 year old. I have no clue what I am doing! 

When he was a newborn I called or texted my best friend at least a hundred times a day for like the first 6 months. (I'm not exaggerating. Ask her she will tell you) 

When my friends remind me that I am a good mom, I have to smile, but I can't take credit. I do a lot of things wrong. I don't say this to get down on myself. I say this because Jesus pours out his amazing grace over me every day. Each time I am used up and can't go on, He pours out his grace. Each moment I think, 'I can't do this, why did you choose me?', He pours out his grace. Each time fear grips my heart, He pours out his grace. 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) 

I still don't think I am qualified to give parenting advice. I can really only tell you one thing. Lean on Jesus. That's really the only thing I know how to do. My faith in Jesus is what gets me through each day, week, month, year. And I am so glad I can call on Him. His grace is sufficient and for that I will boast all the more gladly. 

The Crazy Girl

I am a feeler. I feel things deep in my bones. When I feel it, there's no containing what is inside. It wells up in my heart and spills out my eyes. I try to stop it, stifle it, hold back. There is no use. I am the crazy girl who cries... All. The. Time.

Do you remember the movie Cheaper by the Dozen? I cried when beans the frog died and the little boy runs away. 

The Notebook, tears 90% of the movie. 

John Q, as soon as that little boy collapses on the baseball field I am a  mess until the end. A. MESS. 

I took my oldest to see the new movie Frozen on New Years Day. Five minutes into the movie I look over and say "I am already crying!" Needless to say he just rolled his eyes. (Great movie by the way!)

So it should come as no surprise that I am the crazy girl who cries during worship. Yep, that's me. I am standing there singing (terribly) the words on the screen, hands raised to show praise to my King, minding my own business... Then BAM the Holy Spirit falls and I am a rushing waterfall. Sometimes I try to squelch Him because I don't want people to know I am crazy. I don't want to scare them away and all that jazz. 

But there is no use. I am dripping with the spirit and my Kleenex are drenched in snot and tears. 

So I try to forget about the people to my left and right. I try to push through my flesh and worship God with my Spirit. I try to lay it all at His feet and worship in truth. 

I try not to care what everyone else thinks. 

Inevitably, someone will ask "Are you ok? Is everything ok with you?" And I will answer "Yeah I am just the crazy girl who cries during worship" 

I just can't praise my Jesus without the tears flowing.

And I leave with a full heart, standing taller, breathing easier, sitting quietly before my Lord. 

It's a mystery really. 

Launch~ The Obligatory Post

Confessions of 2013

As we embark on a new year, it is customary to reflect on the past and look forward to the future, to set goals and resolutions. For myself, 2013 brought pain and healing, deep sorrow and joy, growth and even some happiness. I experienced an unexpected and deep loss this year. 

2013 brought several changes. 

In February we transitioned to a new church. And we are settling in nicely. I am learning that most sustainable relationships happen over time, I like to use the word organic. You can't force anything to happen too soon, just enjoy the journey. We also found out that my dad had cancer, he had to have surgery. They removed everything, but he chose to still do Chemotherapy. Everything seemed fine.

My youngest baby, Maxson turned 2 this year! We had a small celebration at home with the family. I have been feeling a pull more and more, to do simple, scale back. And it was glorious! Less fuss, less stress. 

The month of May brought a huge hole of grief and sorrow when we had to unexpectedly and resistantly say good bye to my dad. The chemo was too strong, his heart was too weak. I used to think you died when it was your time... it wasn't his time. And this is when I was reminded of God's unfathomable grace. The grief was much but so was the grace. 

The summer was strange. Tides were turning within me. A complete healing was rising up and conquering my 2+ year battle with mild depression. That word brings great stigma with it. But the truth is, it is real and it needs to be spoken about. My heart decided that I couldn't let it rule me any more. My dad had cancer, underwent chemo but still carried on. I couldn't just wallow in my own self pity any more, my dad wouldn't have and his legacy lives on in me. This is when I learned that God can bring healing through death in many ways. It's a strange concept I know! But it's quite amazing that God was able to bring me healing in spite of the grief I was suffering. 

October! My oldest baby, Quenton, turned the big 13!!! I am officially the mother of a teenager, yikes! I'm not gonna lie, this frightens me. And also makes me so thankful for Jesus. I'm counting on Him to get us through the next several years.

After Thanksgiving I realized that this would be our first Christmas without my dad.

God's grace again got us through. The holiday was simple and relaxing. Our hearts were full of love and memories. 

Losing my dad was the back drop of 2013. But I experienced God's grace in a new way. 

And I think for the first year ever, I can honestly say that I look forward to what 2014 has to bring. I am not a resolution maker but I continue to try and approach life differently then in my past. If I had to chose a word for my year I think it would be Refine. Refine who I am, be a better me. 

I would love to know about you! Are you a resolution maker? A one word chooser? How are you approaching 2014?