Surviving Vs.Thriving {Day3.0}

{This post is pretty raw and honest! But this is what God has put on my heart to write.}

Yesterday I asked a couple questions. So I thought I would try and answer them today!

I remember what Surviving looked like for me:

When I first got married I had our life all planned. Don't we all make that mistake at some point? Soon my world came crashing down when I realized I couldn't do it all. I was just graduated from school, no job, new home and we were on our own with this keeping a house and parenting thing. (Up until this point my oldest and I had lived with my parents, who are such a blessing) I was working part time at a job I got through a friend and had nothing to do with my field. I was miserable. I would come home try to make a homemade dinner and then get my son to soccer or piano or somewhere by a certain time and  at the same time my husband had to work long hours. Did you read that all in one breath? Because yeah, life was pretty much exhausting. I would literally come home from work crying, sobbing, every single night and no one saw. I would shut myself in my room, cry my eyes out, then pull myself together and act like everything was ok. 

One night, my mom looked at me and said, "Jimmie Lee you don't have to be super mom" I felt relieved… But I was still trying to be super mom and super wife and I just was not cutting it. 

The next 5 years were filled with so many job changes I lost track. My dream, my plan, was to graduate with a Master's degree, find a full-time job in a school and live happily ever after. That never happened. 

I became pregnant with my youngest in 2010. I was thrilled and excited to be pregnant with a second! But pregnancy is not my friend and I spent 9 months exhausted and wondering if I could really pull off this mom thing. I was working full time then and would come home and pass out on the couch from exhaustion. When I would wake up I would realize that my then 10 year old had made himself something to eat and I would spend the rest of the night feeling guilty, sad, angry and exhausted. 

Needless to say, life looked nothing like I had planned. 

After Maxson was born, I struggled with postpartum depression. Instead of trying to hard, I just stopped trying. I would go to bed at night dreading the next day. My alarm would go off in the morning and I would stay in bed. I didn't even care. I would finally make myself get up, usually because Max needed me. And somehow I would make it to work. I did the bare minimum at work and at home. I wasn't thriving. I was just surviving.

I don't know what thriving would have looked like then. 

The Free Online Dictionary defines the word thrive like this, 

1. To make steady progress, prosper

2. To grow vigorously, flourish

What thriving would look like to me:
As I was pulled up & out of the pit I described myself as a flower bud waiting to bloom. Little buds need some TLC to flourish and grow to a beautiful prosperous flower. And God gave me exactly the things I needed to get to a place of thriving, to bloom and grow. I'd like to interject that getting out of the pit was a long a process for me and there were many people along the way that kept me going. My growth didn't just happen over night but I definitely made steady progress and once out of the pit, I didn't slip back in. I finally had the right conditions to fully bloom. (Although I would argue that I still have some progress to make!)
I have people surrounding me in all of my circles that build me up and encourage me. During my depression, when I was in survival mode, I isolated myself, put up walls. So my family and (few) friends were there for me but at work and at church… I was just going through the motions. I was there, but felt invisible. So when I say I have people in all of my circles, this is what I am talking about. I have made friendships at work and at church. Every where I go I have a connection with someone who sees me for who I am and accepts me and hey (!), they actually like me!!! What? This has been so important in my journey to joy and thriving.
I still stay up late at night, but not because I am trying to avoid the next day.
I still have a little bit of a hard time getting out of bed, but thats just because bed is really comfy and I still like sleep :)
I still drink coffee but its not the second thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I actually just enjoy drinking coffee, its not a crutch anymore.
I still check Facebook, but its an afterthought, not the first thing I think about when I wake up.
I always want to be with my family but I actually want to go to work each day. I still cherish my days off because this introvert needs some rest and down time.
I go to church ready to praise God. I don't walk in weary and anxious. (Although sometimes you know, it is what it is. And God just takes us as we are! Praise God right?)
There is still progress to be made, but I don't go to bed dreading the next day!

I understand myself better. I know what I need to thrive.
Those parts of me I always thought were weaknesses, I now know are strengths!
I am confident.
I love myself and I love others. Period.
I could never say these things before… ever.

Life is still busy, and can be heavy at times, but I go to bed thankful with a full heart most nights. I am no longer burdened by own thoughts, I can see others burdens and speak life into them.

It is amazing how things can change when you feel valued, accepted and appreciated by those who surround you.

I really want to look at how I could continue to thrive if my environment changes and the conditions are no longer right. My hope is that throughout this 31 days of writing, I will come to some kind of conclusion about this. 

Thanks for reading along!

love,

~jimmie lee

The Past Is The Past {Day 2.0}

2.0

I remember what is was like to be there, in the darkness. I remember what it was like to not care about anything, anymore. I would sit on my couch for hours a day, on Facebook and Twitter. Sometimes I would search for blogs, anyone with encouraging words because I was just so desperate, other times I would be there for no reason at all. I would scroll through my newsfeed over and over again reading the same crap. My dishes would pile up and I would sit there staring at the wall because I just couldn't bring myself to do them. Not because I was tired from being busy and productive but because I literally just did not care that they were piling up. I was tapped out, zoned out and unengaged 98% of the time. I remember what it was like when I was just surviving through my days. I remember what it felt like at the end of the night to lay my head on the pillow and cry because I was wasting my life.

Oh I would show up at work and do my job but I didn't care about doing it well. I would show up at church but it felt like I was grasping for straws. I was physically present at home, but mentally and emotionally checked out. 

I was barely surviving and no where near thriving. 

I would get better for a while but fall right back into the depression. I had finally had it one day and decided I couldn't keep on living this way. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I made a phone call and took a brave step to talk to someone. It was one of the best decisions I had made in a long long time. This was the catalyst to me living my life by thriving instead of surviving. It has been a couple of years since then, and I am so thankful to be out of the pit. 

I remember the first time I joyfully laughed and meant it. My baby was about 2 years old and I was giving him a bath. He did something cute and I looked at him and just smiled and laughed and I whole heartedly meant it. I didn't just do it because I felt like I had to, it was purposeful and engaged. And I "Facebooked" about it. "Tonight I smiled on purpose", my status said. That simple yet powerful realization propelled me forward on my journey. 

I made a choice to take this journey to get healthy and well. I have done so much hard work toward joy and God has been guiding and directing me along the way. I am doing the work but He is changing me from the inside out. He is so faithful to fulfill His purpose in me. 

Today I can honestly say that I am in thrive mode not survive mode. 

I would love for you to take this 31 day journey with me. So if you would,  I have a couple of questions:
What does it look like to just survive?
&

What would thriving look like to you?

Much Love,

~jimmie lee

{31 Days} of Thriving

I am joining in for the first time with The Nester and a ton of other brilliant people for her 31 Days of writing challenge. If you want to know more about 31 Days, click here!

Scroll down to read {Day 1}

{Day 2.0}

{Day 3.0}

{Day 4.0 & 5.0}

{Day 6.0}

{Day 7.0}

{Day 8.0}

{Day 9.0}

{Day 10.0}

{Day 11.0}

{Day 13.0 & 14.0}

{Day 15.0 & 16.0}

A Synopsis 

Last year, I decided to pick a word for my 29th year. The word I chose was, ROOTED. My basis for choosing the word rooted was that I wanted to be that beautiful 80 year woman at the front of the church who prays for everyone and is on fire for Jesus. My idea was that I want to be so rooted in Chist, that the above description would be the end result. What that word really taught me was that before I can be rooted, God had some roots to dig out and get rid of. And so I came out of my 29th year with fresh roots to build my foundation on. I was like a little flower bud starting to bloom. 

As I approached my 30th year, I knew I wanted to choose another word again. I wasn't quite sure what it would be on the day I turned 30. Several days later, the word was written on my heart. For my 30th year I am choosing the word, THRIVE. So it only made sense to write for 31 days on thriving. 

For starters, take a listen to this song by Casting Crowns. 

My very well thought out plan (that's sarcasm right there folks) is to post each day about my journey to thrive, not just survive. I have high hopes to stick with this 31 days of writing. In the end it may look nothing like I planned, but my prayer is that God has his way in teaching me how to thrive!

Will you come back tomorrow for Day #2 ? 

Thanks for reading! 

Much Love,

~jimmie lee

I Wore My Shorts All Summer

OR Let's Talk About Insecurity 

I found these shorts at Target and I absolutely love them! The fit and inseam are perfect for me. So, I bought two! (The price was right). I haven't always felt comfortable wearing shorts though. Especially as I got older into my young adult years I became painfully more aware that the unsolicited comments don't stop after middle school. And I am not talking about modesty here. 

Let's take it back old school for a minute. 

Insecurity and/or low self esteem has been by far one of my biggest struggles. Insecurity seems to be the back drop of my entire life and consequently the main culprit for a majority of my poor decisions. Insert having a sensitive personality type and try to imagine how words would affect my self esteem. 

It was probably middle school when I became aware of how other's felt about my "pale" skin. I knew how I felt about it but somehow the opinions of others shifted my own opinion. All the other girls were tan from hanging out in the sun and somehow the boys made sure I was constantly aware of the difference. I took their taunting and seemingly harmless teasing to heart and it affected the way I viewed myself. I started to believe my fair skin was ugly and eventually began to hate it. 

And so, every summer I would dread the comments. 

"Look how white your legs are!" 

"You need some sun girl!"

"You should go tanning or something" 

I tried it all. Tanning beds: I just could get my head to tell me it was ok, you know cancer and all. Tanning lotion: I hated every second of it. Too much upkeep. Spray tan: Nope, not for me either. Rather than go through all the trouble I just stopped wearing shorts. 

It was t-shirts and jeans for this girl. That way I didn't have to hear the comments. I would take my boys to the pool and tried to wear my swimsuit with confidence, but I wasn't. I was self conscience the whole time, wondering if people thought my "pale" skin was ugly.  Seem shallow? Maybe. Or, maybe it was the culmination of too many comments over the years that ultimately made me feel like my skin color was totally repulsive. 

It took a really long time for me to start feeling confident in my own skin, literally. 

Over the last 3 years I have been set free from this insecurity struggle in many ways and I am happy to tell you that at 30 years old, I wore my shorts all summer! Yes I did, every single day that I could, I did!. I did not feel self conscience. I felt confident and loved every minute of it. Only one person made a comment and it was my middle school aged son (What is it with middle school boys?) at which I just sluffed it off, then had a little conversation about how he shouldn't say things like that to other girls because it might affect them for a long time! 

I wish I could say that I will wear my shorts confidently next summer too, but I am not so sure. I am unsure of how I would have felt this summer if I would have heard more comments. I probably would have bought these awesome shorts for nothing. But, I won't ponder that too much. I'll just write this shorts wearing summer 2014 as a triumph and a victory! One more step to walking in freedom and confidence as a good enough… white girl! 

If you can relate to this in some way, what I want you to know is… 

Haters gonna hate. 

Seems simple enough but I know its not. 

So whether its your eyes, hair, nose, chin, feet, whatever! I pray that you get set free girl! I pray that you rock those sandals with confidence. My hope is that you try that eye shadow you have wanted to try or you get that hair cut you've been to afraid to get and that you love every minute of it. The journey may be long but I pray that you find joy along the way. They say life's too short, so rock that outfit you've been dying to wear and walk in confidence. 

Five Minute Friday with Lisa Jo Baker || Begin

There was a time when I often linked up for Lisa Jo's Five Minute Friday and I sadly got away from the practice. And so to commemorate Lisa's passion, love and dedication I am linking up with her last hosting of Five Minute Friday. She is passing the torch to Kate Motaung. You can read more about Five Minute Friday and the changes here. 

FMF prompt is : Begin

I am not always happy about the changes that come with beginnings. I like predictability, routine and comfort. But beginnings are inevitable. 

I typically look at them as endings. I am what some may call a pessimist. But God has been stirring things inside my soul, changing me from the inside. Like only a Heavenly Father can. 

So I will try to focus on the beginning, not the ending.

I guess you could say I will begin with beginnings. 

There comes a time in ones life where they must choose. 

Will I go down this dark and dreary path looking like a life of acceptance and apathy? 

Or 

Will I choose this hard path? 

The one where I wake up everyday and choose joy & freedom!

The one where complacency is no longer acceptable.

The one where the seemingly mundane is beautiful.

The one where I take a step of faith, put myself out there and serve. 

Because believe me, those things are hard. 

It's easy to roll over and feel sorry for yourself; it's hard to fight against the enemy of your soul. 

Today I begin.

I begin to choose joy when everything seems bleak. 

I begin to choose freedom when the enemy's lies get a foot hold.

I begin to choose stepping out of my comfort zone when I want to stay in my shell.

I begin to choose to see the beauty in the day in and day out drum of life.

I begin to choose prayer and gathering and ministry over shutting myself in. 

What will you begin on this Friday?

Grief is a Strange Friend

I saw a picture posted by my great-nephew of his father's grave site. In a split second I was overwhelmed and holding back tears because the ache swelled up in my heart. 

Grief is a strange friend.

I could picture it all. The moment I found out, the sinking feeling. The confusion. The anger. The shock. It all came flooding back. We lost him about 7 years ago just a month before his 27th birthday... 27th birthday... Typing that out makes it so real.

Grief is a strange friend.

When I settle in for the night I make sure my cell's not on silent. I use it as an alarm. But that action, every night I do it, reminds me of my dad. 

Grief is a strange friend. 

The morning my dad was taken to the ER my phone was on silent. I fell asleep before I could switch it over. Five missed calls at 5:30 am. My heart sank. 16 hours later I was refusing to believe that my dad was dying, pulling it together with just enough time to play his favorite song for him and watch his heart stop beating. That action, brings back that flood of fear, sadness, anger, confusion and disbelief.

Grief is a strange friend.

Then there are the ways it comforts. Pushing myself to finish that long walk. Because I can hear my dad's voice. Watching my boys grow up and seeing each little quirk or resemblance of the man they take after. The fact that I have my dad's hair, eyes and quiet spirit. 

Grief is a strange friend

The goofy stories I could tell of my nephew. The way we acted like brother & sister. The smile that comes when I think about how he drove me crazy and then I remember I'd give anything to have that back. 

Grief is a strange friend. 

So as we approach Memorial Day these two men are the ones I remember with an aching that will not be filled until I meet my maker. Two men that left this earth too soon for my liking and for reasons I don't need to know, because grief is a strange friend.

There are several others I miss that are near and dear to my heart. I remember them today too. The imprint of their legacy they left on my life. My grandparents, the most, two pillars of faith who I am certain prayed for my destiny. I certainly wouldn't be where I am without them! 

If you are grieving too, I encourage you to share here in the comments, the way you think grief is a strange friend. How it just pops up out of no where sometimes. And how you carry on without the ones you miss so bad it's hurts sometimes. And I want you to know that it's ok to have a good cry, I just did. Tears bring healing, this I know. And I'm thinking of you today friends :) 

Sometimes Moms have Headaches

An open letter to the grocery store cashier…

Dear well meaning cashier man,

Sometimes children yell when they are unhappy, want something they can't have, are in transition from one place to the next or sometimes they yell just because they are 3 (read they have only been on this earth for 3 short years). Have you ever yelled when you were overwhelmed? I'm going to bet, yes. 

Also sometimes moms have a massive headache and they are just trying to get home with that one last ingredient because well, dinner still has to be made (headache or not). So, when you see that within 30 seconds she diverted a tantrum from her toddler who only yelled once, what you should really do is high five that momma or give her a pat on the back by smiling and saying "you are doing an awesome job!" 

Because can I tell you that what she doesn't need is a snide remark about how "somebody is not behaving today" And can I tell you that yelling one time and then listening to your mom and coming back around in a matter of one minute, is certainly not misbehaving, in fact I'm pretty sure that would be considered listening. At least this momma of a 3 year old considers that listening. 

What you saw today sir was not an unruly child. What you saw was super mom in action. A mom who didn't know if she would be able to keep her eyes open the whole way home but she did. A mom who still had responsibilities well into the evening that couldn't be put on hold just because she was in pain.  A mom who kept her cool despite the looming activities ahead and the very normal behavior of a 3 year old in transition. Let's just keep it real, normal 3 year old behavior in general. 

I don't blame you well meaning cashier man. But what I could have really used in that moment, was a well done momma, you just keep on keeping on... Go on wich yo bad self! (Was that too much? Nah.) 

Sincerely,

Weary momma today, super mom always

I am thankful that the weariness only lasts through the night but The Lord brings joy in the morning. He is my strength and my portion ~amen!

And to you momma who are reading this and can identify, Go on wich yo bad self ;)