{This post is pretty raw and honest! But this is what God has put on my heart to write.}
Yesterday I asked a couple questions. So I thought I would try and answer them today!
I remember what Surviving looked like for me:
When I first got married I had our life all planned. Don't we all make that mistake at some point? Soon my world came crashing down when I realized I couldn't do it all. I was just graduated from school, no job, new home and we were on our own with this keeping a house and parenting thing. (Up until this point my oldest and I had lived with my parents, who are such a blessing) I was working part time at a job I got through a friend and had nothing to do with my field. I was miserable. I would come home try to make a homemade dinner and then get my son to soccer or piano or somewhere by a certain time and at the same time my husband had to work long hours. Did you read that all in one breath? Because yeah, life was pretty much exhausting. I would literally come home from work crying, sobbing, every single night and no one saw. I would shut myself in my room, cry my eyes out, then pull myself together and act like everything was ok.
One night, my mom looked at me and said, "Jimmie Lee you don't have to be super mom" I felt relieved… But I was still trying to be super mom and super wife and I just was not cutting it.
The next 5 years were filled with so many job changes I lost track. My dream, my plan, was to graduate with a Master's degree, find a full-time job in a school and live happily ever after. That never happened.
I became pregnant with my youngest in 2010. I was thrilled and excited to be pregnant with a second! But pregnancy is not my friend and I spent 9 months exhausted and wondering if I could really pull off this mom thing. I was working full time then and would come home and pass out on the couch from exhaustion. When I would wake up I would realize that my then 10 year old had made himself something to eat and I would spend the rest of the night feeling guilty, sad, angry and exhausted.
Needless to say, life looked nothing like I had planned.
After Maxson was born, I struggled with postpartum depression. Instead of trying to hard, I just stopped trying. I would go to bed at night dreading the next day. My alarm would go off in the morning and I would stay in bed. I didn't even care. I would finally make myself get up, usually because Max needed me. And somehow I would make it to work. I did the bare minimum at work and at home. I wasn't thriving. I was just surviving.
I don't know what thriving would have looked like then.
The Free Online Dictionary defines the word thrive like this,
1. To make steady progress, prosper
2. To grow vigorously, flourish
What thriving would look like to me:
As I was pulled up & out of the pit I described myself as a flower bud waiting to bloom. Little buds need some TLC to flourish and grow to a beautiful prosperous flower. And God gave me exactly the things I needed to get to a place of thriving, to bloom and grow. I'd like to interject that getting out of the pit was a long a process for me and there were many people along the way that kept me going. My growth didn't just happen over night but I definitely made steady progress and once out of the pit, I didn't slip back in. I finally had the right conditions to fully bloom. (Although I would argue that I still have some progress to make!)
I have people surrounding me in all of my circles that build me up and encourage me. During my depression, when I was in survival mode, I isolated myself, put up walls. So my family and (few) friends were there for me but at work and at church… I was just going through the motions. I was there, but felt invisible. So when I say I have people in all of my circles, this is what I am talking about. I have made friendships at work and at church. Every where I go I have a connection with someone who sees me for who I am and accepts me and hey (!), they actually like me!!! What? This has been so important in my journey to joy and thriving.
I still stay up late at night, but not because I am trying to avoid the next day.
I still have a little bit of a hard time getting out of bed, but thats just because bed is really comfy and I still like sleep :)
I still drink coffee but its not the second thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I actually just enjoy drinking coffee, its not a crutch anymore.
I still check Facebook, but its an afterthought, not the first thing I think about when I wake up.
I always want to be with my family but I actually want to go to work each day. I still cherish my days off because this introvert needs some rest and down time.
I go to church ready to praise God. I don't walk in weary and anxious. (Although sometimes you know, it is what it is. And God just takes us as we are! Praise God right?)
There is still progress to be made, but I don't go to bed dreading the next day!
I understand myself better. I know what I need to thrive.
Those parts of me I always thought were weaknesses, I now know are strengths!
I am confident.
I love myself and I love others. Period.
I could never say these things before… ever.
Life is still busy, and can be heavy at times, but I go to bed thankful with a full heart most nights. I am no longer burdened by own thoughts, I can see others burdens and speak life into them.
It is amazing how things can change when you feel valued, accepted and appreciated by those who surround you.
I really want to look at how I could continue to thrive if my environment changes and the conditions are no longer right. My hope is that throughout this 31 days of writing, I will come to some kind of conclusion about this.
What thriving would look like to me:
As I was pulled up & out of the pit I described myself as a flower bud waiting to bloom. Little buds need some TLC to flourish and grow to a beautiful prosperous flower. And God gave me exactly the things I needed to get to a place of thriving, to bloom and grow. I'd like to interject that getting out of the pit was a long a process for me and there were many people along the way that kept me going. My growth didn't just happen over night but I definitely made steady progress and once out of the pit, I didn't slip back in. I finally had the right conditions to fully bloom. (Although I would argue that I still have some progress to make!)
I have people surrounding me in all of my circles that build me up and encourage me. During my depression, when I was in survival mode, I isolated myself, put up walls. So my family and (few) friends were there for me but at work and at church… I was just going through the motions. I was there, but felt invisible. So when I say I have people in all of my circles, this is what I am talking about. I have made friendships at work and at church. Every where I go I have a connection with someone who sees me for who I am and accepts me and hey (!), they actually like me!!! What? This has been so important in my journey to joy and thriving.
I still stay up late at night, but not because I am trying to avoid the next day.
I still have a little bit of a hard time getting out of bed, but thats just because bed is really comfy and I still like sleep :)
I still drink coffee but its not the second thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I actually just enjoy drinking coffee, its not a crutch anymore.
I still check Facebook, but its an afterthought, not the first thing I think about when I wake up.
I always want to be with my family but I actually want to go to work each day. I still cherish my days off because this introvert needs some rest and down time.
I go to church ready to praise God. I don't walk in weary and anxious. (Although sometimes you know, it is what it is. And God just takes us as we are! Praise God right?)
There is still progress to be made, but I don't go to bed dreading the next day!
I understand myself better. I know what I need to thrive.
Those parts of me I always thought were weaknesses, I now know are strengths!
I am confident.
I love myself and I love others. Period.
I could never say these things before… ever.
Life is still busy, and can be heavy at times, but I go to bed thankful with a full heart most nights. I am no longer burdened by own thoughts, I can see others burdens and speak life into them.
It is amazing how things can change when you feel valued, accepted and appreciated by those who surround you.
I really want to look at how I could continue to thrive if my environment changes and the conditions are no longer right. My hope is that throughout this 31 days of writing, I will come to some kind of conclusion about this.
Thanks for reading along!
love,
~jimmie lee
Thank you for sharing this!
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