The Past Is The Past {Day 2.0}

2.0

I remember what is was like to be there, in the darkness. I remember what it was like to not care about anything, anymore. I would sit on my couch for hours a day, on Facebook and Twitter. Sometimes I would search for blogs, anyone with encouraging words because I was just so desperate, other times I would be there for no reason at all. I would scroll through my newsfeed over and over again reading the same crap. My dishes would pile up and I would sit there staring at the wall because I just couldn't bring myself to do them. Not because I was tired from being busy and productive but because I literally just did not care that they were piling up. I was tapped out, zoned out and unengaged 98% of the time. I remember what it was like when I was just surviving through my days. I remember what it felt like at the end of the night to lay my head on the pillow and cry because I was wasting my life.

Oh I would show up at work and do my job but I didn't care about doing it well. I would show up at church but it felt like I was grasping for straws. I was physically present at home, but mentally and emotionally checked out. 

I was barely surviving and no where near thriving. 

I would get better for a while but fall right back into the depression. I had finally had it one day and decided I couldn't keep on living this way. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I made a phone call and took a brave step to talk to someone. It was one of the best decisions I had made in a long long time. This was the catalyst to me living my life by thriving instead of surviving. It has been a couple of years since then, and I am so thankful to be out of the pit. 

I remember the first time I joyfully laughed and meant it. My baby was about 2 years old and I was giving him a bath. He did something cute and I looked at him and just smiled and laughed and I whole heartedly meant it. I didn't just do it because I felt like I had to, it was purposeful and engaged. And I "Facebooked" about it. "Tonight I smiled on purpose", my status said. That simple yet powerful realization propelled me forward on my journey. 

I made a choice to take this journey to get healthy and well. I have done so much hard work toward joy and God has been guiding and directing me along the way. I am doing the work but He is changing me from the inside out. He is so faithful to fulfill His purpose in me. 

Today I can honestly say that I am in thrive mode not survive mode. 

I would love for you to take this 31 day journey with me. So if you would,  I have a couple of questions:
What does it look like to just survive?
&

What would thriving look like to you?

Much Love,

~jimmie lee